Where did Alan go?

Transcript

It was the Friday night, everyone had left. I was in my office, with the door closed because I had told my EA, "Don't let anyone in because I can't be sure I won't rip their head off."

And I gave up exercising so I'd have more time to do work—so that I could pick up the slack, keep everything on track and in a way protect my employees as well because I didn't want to push them too far either.

I think when I knew there was an issue was when I actually called the help line and asked for help.

I saw no way out. I was hopeless and helpless and I had no other options. I had no other resources. I didn't know what to do for the first time in my life.

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist, and I went and was diagnosed with clinical depression.

I just broke down. I just couldn't control myself.

I had no idea what depression was, no idea whatsoever, I couldn't name it. I know that people have been depressed, but I didn't see it in myself.

The image that kept coming back to me—I just couldn't get it out of my mind—was damaged goods. Like, how on earth can I support my family, how can I work?

Anti-depressants were an interesting experience as I sort of imagined them creeping from one part of my brain to the other part because there was something happening in my head.

I did some research on how to get off of it, so I weaned myself off of it and went back to work two and half months later.

It was like, "Where did Alan go?" and it started a conversation about mental health.

It's this aspect of finding somebody to talk to about it that you feel safe with. I think the bottom line is that happiness is "an inside job" is a way to look at it. It's something that you have to choose to be happy, just as I chose to live, I choose to be happy.

Title: Talk about it
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