Teen Year: A Parent’s Guide

Volume 24-6

Is it possible to have good relationships with our teenagers?

When we talk about adolescence, we often talk about what teenagers put us through as parents during this period. The changes in our parental role and in the relationship can be difficult to cope with. Suddenly, nothing we say seems to make sense to them. Our jokes are no longer funny; arguments intensify; they don’t seem to want to spend time with us anymore; everything we say and do, sometimes even our mere presence seems to irritate them. In addition, this transition period is often a major concern for parents: Will my children know how to surround themselves wisely, or will they be subject to negative influences? Will they be tempted by drugs? Will they show good judgment about alcohol, sexuality and violence? What areas should I control, and what experiences should I let them go through? Whew! Not easy, is it?

However, to be fair, we should also remember the many challenges faced by young people dur-ing this tumultuous period. In addition to dealing with significant social challenges, they are also undergoing many physical and hormonal changes and constantly comparing themselves to oth-ers, which sometimes makes it difficult for them to accept their bodies. Hormones play havoc with their emotions, and they often feel tired and irritable. They also have to deal with a marked increase in the expectations of those around them. It’s not easy being a teenager!

To help forge and maintain good relationships with our teens and maintain some influence in their lives, despite their need for independence, this newsletter describes some important pitfalls to avoid and suggests different approaches to nurturing the relationship and ultimately guiding our youth toward empowerment and autonomy.

Pitfall #1: Wanting to be buddy-buddy and being too “cool”

Many parents are so eager to be “cool” with their teens that they put aside any form of authority, start confiding in their teens about their private lives, and even go so far as to have a little drink or smoke cannabis with their teens and their friends. This makes most young people very uncom-fortable because, even though they are crying out for freedom, they’re well aware that they still need guidance and supervision. They will have hundreds of friends in their lifetime, but usually they have only two parents. Moreover, if we try too hard to be their friend, we run the risk of los-ing our parental credibility and then having a hard time exercising our authority when they go too far.

But what should I do?

It’s important to acknowledge the need to keep our distance and accept that, for a certain period of time, our teens will want and need to be surrounded by friends their own age and experience things for themselves. It is essential to step back a bit and leave room for friends. However, nothing prevents you from maintaining a good relationship through open discussions and family activities, even if you sometimes have to push a little to get them to come with you.

Pitfall #2: Being overprotective and making life too easy for your teens

Today’s adults have the unfortunate tendency of smoothing the way for their children and clear-ing away any obstacles. Is Ariane a little tired tonight? We’ll do her chores for her and write the teacher a note explaining why she couldn’t do her homework. Samuel lost his job? We’ll call his employer and ask him for a second chance, or we’ll find him a new job right away without his having to lift a finger. We think we’re doing the right thing and taking good care of our children, but without realizing it, we’re slowly destroying their resilience, their perseverance and their ability to solve problems. It’s human nature: people quickly get used to having things easy and general-ly avoid stepping outside of their comfort zone. Teenagers are no different. When their lives are too easy and provide few occasions to think, look for solutions and surpass themselves, their brains have no opportunity to develop. Therefore, they tend to become less creative, less en-gaged and less energetic.

Moreover, being daily exposed to the media’s portrayal of the “dangerous world” we live in, and having the tendency to protect our children from negative influences and potential mistakes, many parents among us also end up being overprotective and overly strict, forbidding our kids from taking part in age-related activities. However, by trying a little too hard to keep our teenag-ers safe, we sometimes give them the impression that we lack trust in their judgment and strength and that it’s preferable to avoid taking risks in life.

Some examples of overprotectiveness toward a teenager over the age of 13 years old:

• Calling the school because the teen is being punished and you consider the punishment too severe
• Calling the employer if the teen loses his/her job
• Calling the parents of friends with whom the teen has had a quarrel
• Refusing to allow the teen to watch horror or violent movies rated 13+
• Prohibiting the teen from going to the mall or the movies with friends without parental supervi-sion
• Denying permission to sleep over at a friend’s house, even when you know the parents well;
• Spare the teen any chores or responsibilities
• Preparing the teen’s lunch, school bag or hockey bag for him/her; always making sure he/she doesn’t forget anything
• Picking out the teen’s clothes for him/her
• Hovering over the teen while he/she is doing homework and assignments
• Always telling the teen what to do, when to do it and how to do it

But what should I do?

Cultivate a sense of effort!

Require your teens to contribute, to the extent of their ability, to getting what they want: “You need a ride somewhere? Sure, but I could use your help folding clothes so I’ll have some time for myself”; “You want me to lend you the car tonight to go for a ride with the guys? No problem, but I’d like you to mow the lawn in return, okay?” It’s also important to get teens to do some house-hold chores, such as emptying the dishwasher or sweeping the floor, even if they’re busy or tired, and even if they complain.

Teach them to think

Success, whatever it may be, also requires a certain amount of initiative and thinking. To help teens develop this dimension, simply cease to be there constantly behind them, telling them how to behave or solve their problems. So, instead of saying, “Thomas, come here and sit at the ta-ble; it’s time for your homework,” you could say, “When are you planning to do your school-work?” or “Hey Thomas, I see you’ve turned on the TV. Do you think you should be doing that?” Sophia’s having trouble with her teacher, but instead of solving the problem or even suggesting what to do, it would be more relevant to encourage her to find her own solutions: “How do you feel about it? What are you going to do about it? What are some possible solutions?”

Pitfall #3: Incessant criticism

In their desire for a proper child upbringing, many parents have the unfortunate habit of pointing out every mistake their kids make and focusing too much on undesirable behaviours and the negative effects they could have. In some cases, parents who are trying to encourage their children to do better become nags: “Yes, you got a good grade, but you could do so much better if you put a little effort into it!” Our children may see our negative criticisms, disapproving tone of voice, sighs and gestures of impatience as signs of disappointment and that we are annoyed by their behaviour (and them!). Ultimately, our attitude can be perceived as a form of rejection.

Allow them to make mistakes

If we want our children to develop their judgment and ability to think before acting, it’s important to let them experiment somewhat, without intervening. They don’t want to study for their history exam? Perhaps it’s better for them to assume the consequences of their inaction, rather than to be pressured by their parents reluctantly. By making mistakes at times and owning them, teens will gradually learn to better judge the impact of their actions and make informed choices. If we try too hard to control our children, they will either develop “selective hearing,” lose their self-confidence, or end up doing whatever comes to mind and expecting adults to keep them on track. In all cases, we are undermining their accountability, which is key for success!

There are many other ways to nurture a healthy relationship with our children, but let’s remember that what they need most is our indulgence, our unconditional support, our trust and our love eve-ryday.