Understanding the grieving child
A child who is about to suffer a loss or who is already grieving needs to be surrounded by family or trusted adults who want to protect them from the pain of grief. You can help the child deal with their emotions by drawing on your love, experience and views about loss.
Think about the first loss you experienced as a child. What would you have liked your parents or trusted adults to say and do for you? Had they talked to you about loss beforehand?
Take a moment to think about those questions. Your answers will give you a few pointers on how to help a grieving child.
Death and loss: taboo subjects?
A young child has no awareness of taboos or death, and much less understanding about what it means to suffer a loss or to deal with grief.
Growing up, kids hear stories, watch movies, play videogames or listen to news that feature death. They hear about separations, fires, floods, job losses, accidents, illnesses, etc. Do they really understand what death or loss mean? Have you taken the time to explain these notions? Will the child have to rely on their limited life experience or their imagination, which may include wild and crazy stories, to make sense of it all?
Over time, children may overhear countless “grownup” conversations about death, including the death of distant relatives or public figures. Then suddenly they may lose a friend or a close relative, or go through a family breakup. Kids are like sponges, soaking up the misunderstanding, anger, suffering and pain of the grownups around them. Even if someone has explained these emotions, kids will have a hard time making sense of everything.
Children also come up against taboos held by adults who want to shield them from suffering. They will ask questions to understand why their lives have been turned upside down, but if the family unit sees death and loss as a taboo subject, children may not get the answers they need. They may hear “not now” or “we’ll talk about it later”, but that “later” never comes. The child will then be left with unanswered questions as well as taboos they have no way of understanding.
The first loss
A child or teen’s first loss may be your opportunity to explain how to grapple with intense emotions that come up throughout life. You can use the opportunity to teach them why it’s important to talk about grief with loved ones and people they trust, or even to ask for help outside the family. This first major loss will allow a child to understand that grief is a healing process. This process can sometimes last into adulthood, which is why it is so important to guide and support children over time, while recognizing their needs and reactions.
Feeling loss as early as 6 months of age
Experts agree that as of six months of age, infants can sense the loss of a parent, family member, sibling, or even a pet. Even if they may not understand everything that is going on, they can sense changes to their routine or tension around them. They will notice that a face, a voice, or a scent is missing. Those around them need to explain this loss using simple words and a reassuring tone. Young children need to feel loved, to have stability in their regular routine, and to be reassured by a voice that explains that though things may be hard right now, things will get better.
Over the years
As children get older, they develop a deeper understanding of grief and death, and they may start asking questions. You can reassure them by staying calm and being consistent in your answers, even if the child repeatedly asks, for example, how their sibling died or why their parents no longer live together. It’s ok if you don’t have all the answers. Tell them you don’t know and are also having a hard time understanding what is happening.
These questions may come up again when the child reaches the teen years. As life events like birthdays, holidays or celebrations occur children may have intense reactions and feelings around the absence of a deceased loved one or other loss. This is perfectly normal. Feelings can surge up when we least expect it. Be there for them.
Over the years, you build a relationship of trust with your child and teen. Take the time to introduce children to the notions of grief and death, and the feelings they elicit before they suffer their first loss. You can talk about the subject in an encouraging way by sharing your own experience. The main thing is to let them ask questions, and to respond honestly.
To access confidential psychological support, contact your Employee Assistance Program at 1-800-268-7708, or 1-800-567-5803 for persons who are deaf or hard of hearing.
You can also access LifeSpeak, a digital platform with over 1,000 videos and tip sheets on various wellness topics. For more information, contact your internal EAP representative.